sick. tired. acting strong

it sucks. especially when u are feeling damn sick. that makes you more vulnerable. i never had such a bad diarrhoea in my life. and i am feeling damn weak. and also i feel like vomiting. u must be wondering how come i am always like such an emo kid. my blog entries are always sad entries. i think precisely that is the purpose of blogging right. when u are happy, u will be enjoying that every moments, when will u have time to blog about it. it is only when u are damn sad and emo, u will blog about it.


to add on, blogging is not about telling people how glamorous your life is. nor it is a time for some spelling test. if u realise, my blog has many many grammer and spelling mistakes. because i dun edit them, i just wanna reflect the most truthful feelings of mine at that point of the time. in the end, this blog is only for myself and those good friends of mine to read. so who cares?


seeing people around me getting attached and getting out of relationships have been so so so common for me. i'm beginning to be numb by all these. or am i choosing the path to numb myself? i don't know. i'm willing to try but i still lack the courage to try it. i can still sense my phobia hovering round me.


they say, they are proud of me, my friends said so. my relatives said so. but.......................... how about myself? no one has ever asked me about how i feel towards myself. luckily, no one asked. because i don't know how to explain at all.


yes, i may be the top student, yes, i may been to USA. yes, i may be in a relationship once. yes, i may be have lots of good friends. yes, i may be embarking my new career in a reputable company. yes, i may have used my own money to get my own driving license. yes, i may have the best family members. but.................................................................


i lack the ability to feel contented. i am always in search of the best, i am always putting super high expectations on myself. in the end, i have myself feeling disappointed again and again.

i lack the ability to admit that i am weak. yes, i am! now, i am going to admit. i am weak. i am very weak. i have a really weak body. my health has not always been the best. for those who knows me well, u should know what i mean.

i lack the ability to admit that i need love. i am not a superwoman, i hate it when i see couples together and i hate it when i miss having someone by my side. seeing his face everyday.... taking care of each other.


i lack the ability to accept reality. the best thing i always do is to hide, pretend i am okay or to run away. i am not that strong afterall.


meishan. is time you learn to ACCEPT those inabilities of yours.